First meeting
When I started to be interested in boys I was 15 years old. The year is 1962. One afternoon, a man comes to visit my parents, in the Vosges, with a young man who I assume is his son. I had never seen it before. He is sublime. All blue. His eyes, his shirt. Gabriel. He looks older than me.
In the small living room next to the kitchen, the adults drink coffee, he and I remain silent, a real tent. I spend half an hour staring at him, not realizing what the conversation is about. After our visitors leave, my parents praise Gabriel, a ” example “ academically, according to them.
When my father, the patriarch, leaves the room, my mother corners me in the kitchen. She saw love fall on me at first sight and told me: “Listen guys, in your life you are going to meet many of them, but definitely don’t touch this one, he is your cousin.”, and reveals the taboo story of a poorly kept secret.
Gabriel is the illegitimate son of my uncle – my father’s brother – who never recognized him. The man he came to have coffee with was his uncle and a friend of my parents. In the end, my mother imposes a total ban in the name of the insurmountable limit of consanguinity: you cannot have children with your cousin. “You forget. » I was just taking flight and now I feel like my wings are being clipped.
At boarding school, my adolescent thoughts are secretly devoted, from time to time, to this boy whom I have not forgotten. Everything is blue in my mind. One day I find it again. It’s still just as magnificent, I’m afraid of feeling that little forbidden flame again. I’m leaving, quickly.
I was 19 years old when my mother accidentally left me: “Ah! By the way ! Gabriel got married. » I hear what she doesn’t say: the circle is closed, the risk will no longer exist, total security has been achieved. And she is not wrong. I live my life having given up on this story that wasn’t even a story. A love forbidden at first sight that would bring me so many problems if I tried to see it again.
I get married, even if it is mainly a way to regularize a pregnancy. My partner and I get along well, but deep down we have nothing to do together. We still have a second child. A rich and happy life, crossed however, from time to time, by a question. “If I had lived with Gabriel, maybe it would be different. » Like a fantasy that comes and goes, time passes.
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