The sudden death of Gentxane Landa’s father-in-law has made them rethink many things at home. Among other things, what would happen to their children if they were to disappear. “In the short term, we would like to make a will naming legal guardians for our children in the event of our death, and also decide what we would do with the house, the money…” he says via WhatsApp. In the case of Gentxane, who has two children aged 6 and 11, Amaia and Asier, the added worry comes from the fact that her partner’s mother is ill and her parents cannot take care of her either. And they are clear that they would like to appoint their two brothers as legal guardians. This concerns children, because when it comes to themselves and what they should do with their bodies, he recognizes that they have not thought about it, because “they make their hair stand on end just imagining it.”
I decided to start looking for these stories in my close circle, asking people what they would do if they and their partners – if there are any – disappeared. If that’s an issue that concerns you. And it doesn’t surprise me that it’s such a sensitive issue. Because talking about death scares us. It’s hard to think that we might not be there. It was written by Maggie O’Farrell in this fascinating book about the author’s own encounters with death which is I’m still here (Asteroid Books): “When I held my son in my arms, I realized how vulnerable I was to death: it was the first time that had ever frightened me. “I knew only too well how thin the membrane that separates us from that place is, and how easily it can be pierced.”
For Ana Carcedo, a psychologist specializing in grief, we all protect ourselves from pain, especially emotional pain, both at an individual and social level. “We have learned to avoid and keep quiet about the subject of death because it makes us suffer. Talking about death is painful and thinking about it activates many protective mechanisms that prevent us from thinking about it and giving it space in our lives. A good death would be one that a person wants and that seems consistent with their life, but if we don’t talk about it, it might not happen that way,” she explains.
Preventing problems
“I haven’t done it and it’s something I should do when I have a dependent daughter, but I’m afraid to do it. It’s like something superstitious that doesn’t make sense. I know we have to do it, but I’m putting it off,” says Terry Gragera, a fellow journalist whose underage daughter, Claudia, has Down syndrome. His friend María Doussinague, who has three children aged 16, 13 and 11, has taken the plunge. The little girl’s name is Marieta and, like Claudia, she has Down syndrome. “We have to put aside our reservations to go to the notary and understand that organizing our children’s future has to be a priority for us. It’s a way of helping and caring for those who are left behind,” he says. Making a will, appointing guardians or formalising a protected estate should be, he says, “one of the first things to do when a disabled child is born.”
Bea Nieto, who is part of the same group of mothers as María and Terry, also did it in 2016. They lived in the United States for 12 years, but before settling in this country, they made a will and once their three children were born, they added legal guardians. “We let everything go because we were going to live very far from the family,” he says. It turned out that the legal document they had drawn up in Spain was useless there, so they had to draw up another document there appointing temporary guardians who would take care of their children until the legal guardians arrived.
“It is crucial to appoint guardians in single-parent families, when the parents are older, in cases of family conflicts and for descendants with special needs who require specific care, in order to ensure their well-being if the parents die before the sons and daughters reach the age of majority,” explains Emilia de Sousa, a lawyer specializing in family, conciliation and neglect.
Their work is not only contentious, but also preventive. That is why it is considered that the appointment of a guardian can avoid future problems. “The Civil Code considers this figure and its appointment is quite simple and, moreover, much less expensive than one might think – around 100 euros. Being forward-looking always pays off at all levels,” he emphasizes.
A legal guardian is appointed before a notary, in a will or a public deed. “Guardians can be appointed and then with the relevant documentation and at that time, if necessary due to the anticipated situation, it will go through the court.” Of course, since the position of guardian is not mandatory, the lawyer recommends appointing several guardians, always keeping in mind that one thing is the care of the person and another the management of the assets.
You can also register those who should not be the guardians of the children under any circumstances. “Each family has its own particularities, and there is so much diversity and disparity in families that we should see in each case what is appropriate, but generally speaking, it will never be detrimental to appoint guardians for our children,” he said. emphasizes.
The appointment of guardians is not only useful in the event of death, but also in cases such as a diagnosis of a serious illness or poor prognosis or to establish what is sought in the event of an accident that leaves one of the parents incapacitated, especially if the parents are divorced. “In this case, the sick person can appoint a guardian to manage the estate of his or her son or daughter. If there is another parent, parental authority is assured, except in exceptional cases where this other parent has been deprived of it. In these cases, it would be even more necessary to appoint guardians for the care and finances of the sons and daughters,” the lawyer emphasizes.
What happens if both parents die or become seriously ill without having appointed guardians? “That it will be a judge who will determine which person is most qualified to take care of the minors, always having as a priority that they remain in the family (grandparents, older brothers and sisters, uncles …)”, answers Emilia de Sousa. And do the sons or daughters have anything to say about their possible guardians, whether or not they have been appointed by their parents? Well, when the time comes, as the lawyer explains, if the minor is over 12 years old, the court must have their opinion. If it has not satisfied them, the degree of maturity is studied.
Conversation with your own parents
“Our parents cannot protect us from loss forever, because eventually, unless an even greater tragedy occurs, we lose them,” writes Kathryn Schulz in A wild wake (Gaparardo Editions). Paula Martos’ parents gave an essential testimony and explained to their daughter what they wanted in case of loss. “I don’t think about what could happen to us, it hurts me just thinking about it. I suppose that if we die, the children will stay with my parents. I have more information about my parents, their wishes and their plans: they made a living will and donated their bodies to science. “The spirit behind this decision is fundamentally not to cause problems.”
Talking, almost abstractly, about death with your parents when you get older seems easier than doing it when it is not the right time. Emilia de Sousa believes that it is not harmful to maintain a real communication with our creatures, adapted to their ages, about the few certainties we have in life. “In our culture, talking about death is taboo. Fortunately, we find more and more stories and films that, with adapted language, try to bring to childhood the only security we have in this life: death comes sooner or later.
Carolina Lanao’s father died in 2023. Nothing suggested an imminent outcome, but it was to be expected given his age – 91 years old – and a chronic pathology – coronary heart disease -, although she managed it very well. There is no vital testimony, but he always expresses his wishes: “My parents are from a town in Aragon, but they emigrated to Venezuela. They did not think of returning from Venezuela, because they made their life there, their daughters were born, but the circumstances of the country forced them to return and we ended up in the Canary Islands. My father always said that he wanted to be cremated and that we would take his ashes to his hometown, in Huesca.
The father died in November, he was cremated and two months later they were able to fulfill their wishes by resting in the small cemetery of their town. This generated some anguish in Carolina’s mother, who felt overwhelmed by having to undertake the journey to Huesca with the urn, which made her consider that she wanted to make the task very easy for those who remain.
Psychologist Ana Carcedo emphasizes the importance of facing the reality of death, no matter how much time we think we have ahead of us. She believes that it is essential to talk about wishes at the end of life, because although these conversations can be full of fear and pain, they also allow for a better understanding and acceptance of the process of dying. Thinking about death and anticipating its implications can be painful, but by doing so with love and respect, we can create a space of calm and peace, both for ourselves and for our loved ones. “By becoming aware of death, the outlook changes and, with it, the pain is relieved,” concludes Carcedo.
