This post is taken from the weekly newsletter “Darons Daronnes” on parenting, which is sent every Wednesday at 6 pm You can subscribe to this newsletter for free by following this link.
In an episode of the American series. It’s us (Prime Video), which follows a fictional family over the years, the very young Kate Pearson, 18, is saved from the clutches of a toxic lover by her mother and siblings. They arrive at the chalet where the young lovers spend the weekend and forcibly expel the bad guy who is emotionally abusing their beloved Kate.
The situation is clear: the Marc in question is perverse and manipulative, the young Kate is fragile and lacks self-confidence. Her brothers and mother help her and she is grateful to them, although she will continue to be permanently affected by this matter. But here it is, It’s us Although it may be my great passion at the moment, and although I spend as much time with its characters as I do in the company of my children, it is still a fiction, with the script limits that this entails. In real life, situations are rarely so easy to unravel and so clear.
Can you intervene in your children’s relationships? Under what circumstances and when? First, it can be helpful to ask yourself questions. Why am I tempted to intervene? If it’s because I don’t like my son’s boyfriend’s Christmas sweaters, or because he sings songs by rapper Damso too loudly and badly, that’s not a valid reason. Not even if I think he speaks badly, or is rude, or because he brings packets of chips for a snack and eats them with his mouth open. I am a caricature, of course, but the idea is there: it is better to avoid confusing bad company with otherness, to behave as censors of our own children, even if we do not like their choices.
The school, “its own place”
The correct limit, in my opinion, is that of danger. Does my son’s friendship put him at risk? The spectrum is wide. It may be a psychological or physical danger, an emerging feeling of discomfort, apprehension, or risky behavior. In other words, as family therapist Nicole Prieur, with whom I spoke about this topic, says, what should dictate our behavior is “a desire for protection, not intrusion”.
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