That those close to victims denounce sexist violence is a message which has become in recent years a regular element of institutional campaigns which seek to combat it. This call has its reasons: the number of complaints filed by family members or close friends is tiny (1.8%), although it is not uncommon that after a murder, we hear the words ” I saw it coming” or “everyone was doing what they were doing”. That. » However, the complexity of this type of violence and its characteristics, which distance it from the stereotypical image of a victim with a black eye, can give those around them the feeling of being unable to do anything or of doubting until ‘where he can go.
Screams and explosions in the neighboring apartment and a call to the police to alert are the situation that most often comes to mind when talking about third-party complaints. But usually the victims are other people’s daughters, sisters, friends, cousins or colleagues who may not consider going to a police station, but who see or speak to them regularly and are become one of their points of support. Maybe they don’t tell them that they are victims of anything, that they haven’t put words to what they’re going through, that they don’t tell them everything that’s hidden behind it. or that there are days when they act like nothing is happening, but that’s how gender-based violence usually manifests itself.
“The way we think about gender violence socially tends to be simplistic and reductionist, but we need to think a little deeper. Reporting if she doesn’t may be necessary in some situations, but many women fail to do so after experiencing serious physical assault in an extreme situation, this is the tip of the iceberg, the majority are women like you and me”, she said. begins by explaining the psychologist specializing in gender-based violence Olga Barroso.
We must take into account the individual characteristics of the woman and the violence itself, because reporting it can be counterproductive, especially without her consent.
Barbara Zorrilla
— Psychologist
The author of Love does not mistreat (Shackelton) emphasizes that “what will surely help someone in their situation” is “to end up seeing for themselves that the solution is to get out of this relationship”, but “am I going to succeed if I file a complaint? » Probably not and it could be counterproductive. Before that, “there are many other very important things that can be done,” continues the expert: “Above all, offer him a safe space for discussion, give him the opportunity to express what he feels and maybe then he can start to think about how his behavior “is causing your discomfort.”
The psychologist Bárbara Zorrilla also expresses herself in the same sense and assures that when filing a complaint “it is necessary to take into account the individual characteristics of the woman and the violence itself” because “it can become counterproductive, especially without his consent. Therefore, understanding how abuse works “is fundamental” to providing support. “I’ve had cases of women that friends even went with them to complain and got angry because they were getting back into the relationship, even though this back and forth is very common. You should know that the emotional alternation is what hooks them,” he emphasizes.
Leave the imperatives
What experts agree on is that it is the victims who must reconstruct their own story: saying “what you are suffering is gender violence and you must leave it” is not the best option and will probably end up causing the opposite effect, which The woman stops and stops talking. The sociologist from the Complutense University of Madrid, Elena Casado, insists on this point: “Everyone tells these women what they should do and how they should feel, but we cannot fight a situation in which another negates someone’s ability with it. same tool. And I think that happens to us a lot. You have to get used to stopping using so many imperatives: ‘you have to’, ‘don’t want to’…”
On the other hand, specialists offer possible avenues for tackling a conversation of this type. “‘You didn’t think like that before, what could have happened?’ Or “I’ve been seeing you like this for a long time”, “I’m worried about this…”, “What do you need?”, “Have you thought about starting therapy?”, lists Zorilla, who focuses on the importance of “not forcing her to see what we want her to see” but “giving her space to express what she feels.”
In this sense, Casado calls on everyone to put themselves in the place of someone to whom a dear friend or family member “tells them what to do when they do not feel objectively capable of doing it.” “Often this increases the bad experience and the feeling of disappointing others,” explains the sociologist, who questions the impulse that can arise from seeking the victim to recognize themselves as such. “We are tired of saying there is no need to show up for access rights, but why are we requiring it on a personal level? The goal is not to be singled out as a victim of gender-based violence but to be better. This little change in focus helps… it’s more like “I notice you’re sad”, “count on me”… it’s not “tell me you’re a victim”. It will come out. Or not, because maybe he’ll never be able to call it that.
What is effective is that they find a place where they can express themselves. It’s not “recognize you’re an abuser and report it”, it’s “can you talk to me”
Olga Barroso
— Psychologist
Barroso explains this using data from the latest macro survey on violence against women: on the total number of women who reported having suffered violence from a male partner or ex-partner at some point in their lives, 92.4% of those who declared having been victims left the relationship, but also 88.2% of those who used a care service and 82.2% of those who shared it with a close. “What’s effective is that they find a place where they can express themselves. It’s not a question of ‘recognize that you are an aggressor and report it’, but ‘you can talk to me about it’”, illustrates the psychologist.
Transcending “us and them”
Because facing the insistence that realize What he experiences “reproduces a dialogue that is not symmetrical,” says Casado, who remembers the comment a woman made to him during an investigative interview years ago. “He said ‘of course because that wouldn’t have happened to you, would it?’ You’re smarter than me…’ That made me think a lot. That’s why I think it’s about thinking together and collectively, not “I know and you’re stupid”, about how we can all be better: those of us who care about others, those of us who had a shitty relationship, those of us who of us they have today… But not because of this division between “us and them, it’s up to them that it happens and it doesn’t happen to us. »
There is another element that specialists point out: unconditionality. Zorilla considers that “it’s a bad idea to make the victim choose” “between him and us” and emphasizes that “maintaining the bond” is one of the most important issues. “We cannot ask a person to break a bond if they do not have others. Treating others well will be what cushions the effects of the abuser, I still can’t make her leave, but I can support her and reduce the effects of the violence.”
When we tell them in the countryside “you are not alone,” it is often a lie. Institutional abandonment is there and it is there and partly that of support networks too.
Elena Casado
— Sociologist
Casado believes that taking this into account will help prevent the isolation already common in these relationships from deepening and is committed to being available with a “whatever you do, count on me for whatever you want.” “But this – he adds – must be real. When we tell them in the countryside “you are not alone,” it is often a lie. The institutional abandonment is there and partly that of support networks too,” laments the sociologist.
Finally, a doubt that sometimes assail those who see problematic behavior and emotional manipulation in another’s relationship: whether it will be a violent relationship or not. “If things go really bad, he’s an idiot or he’s an abuser. I think in the first option, this person is going to have a bad time but they are not going to be trapped without being able to get out of there nor are you going to see them deteriorate and become less and less able to think about themselves. -even. “, says Barroso. “And what difference does it make?” Casado responds: “Treating me badly, making my life sadder… If I were a lawyer, I would have to worry about what is defined as violence. There are things that I don’t know if they are crimes but that make me suffer and cost me therapy, what do you call that?
