The first time I realized I was bisexual was when I heard it from a friend. During my teenage years, I didn’t really know what it was. The only LGBT representation I had was Catherine Lara, who we listened to often at home. My mother talked about it without disdain, but I didn’t identify with it: she was an artist of a certain age and I also liked boys. At 15 years old I entered into a relationship with Antoine, my high school sweetheart.
After eight years of relationship, I felt something passing through me, without being able to identify it. He had an admiration for super strong women, a kind of not very heterosexual love. I also spent a lot of time with my gay friends, because I felt more comfortable, because their community attracted me. One day I decided to talk to one of them, who ended up telling me: “But you like girls. » The fact that someone verbalized it was already a kind of exposure. I said to myself, “I can. »
That night, when I found Antoine, I burst into tears. I knew I needed to explore my desires. But I thought he was going to leave me, I felt like I was ruining everything when I told him: “I’m bisexual. »He responded that he accepted me that way. The point was to incorporate this parameter into our monogamous relationship. We decided that our relationship would be open. Except for two years I didn’t have any affairs. Like many bisexual people, I felt like an imposture. I was terrified of approaching a woman: I devoured every book and podcast that existed so as not to reproduce oppressive behaviors, or be a “bad guy”!
And then, little by little, I ended up installing dating apps, going on “dates.” But it was nothing more than pleasant discussions. I didn’t have the codes, I didn’t dare take the first step. And as soon as I said I was living with my boyfriend, it was over.
“We deny our legitimacy”
The first time I kissed a woman it was an explosion in my head. From that moment on I started going out at night. He was just “bi”, he avoided lesbians. At La Mutinerie, the community’s flagship bar in Paris, some girls turned their backs on me when I told them I was bisexual. In the community they call us “curious heterosexuals”, we are denied our legitimacy. It’s difficult to be in this context, I needed people who understood me. In 2023, I attended a bisexual and pansexual conversation circle for the first time. We were about twenty people, very different people, but we laughed, we cried and I felt less alone.
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