“When the child cries, the father expects the mother to calm him down. The child has spilled something on himself and is waiting for the mother to change him again. Preparing food for the child, going to the park with him. … All of this is thought to be women’s work. Mothers go to parent-teacher conferences too, and so should mothers. If a mother goes alone, it means that she is taking all the responsibility for the child on the woman.”
These words “Caspian” In an interview with the newspaper, the President of the Association of Educators of Azerbaijan and the coordinator of the project “School of Parents Towards Responsible Parenthood” Tofig Sadikhov saying.
– Mr. Tofiq, let’s start the conversation by comparing the responsible father with other parents. What is the difference?
– We grouped him as a biological and responsible father. The biological father is the one who gives birth to his child, but then cannot or does not want to pay enough attention to his growth, education and upbringing. He sees the main obligation of fatherhood in providing financial assistance. A responsible father accompanies the mother every step of the way. Within the project we have various questions and group work. One of the questions is what characterizes a good and responsible father? The answer of the fathers in almost all regions is that we should earn a lot of money and buy everything our child wants. The second part of the task asks you to share a memory you have with your father. They say that my father and I went fishing, my father prepared this or that meal, and when someone came after a quarrel, he mentioned his father’s support. In other words, in the end it became clear that no one talks about their father giving them money or buying them something expensive. They themselves make the decision that the time we spent with them and the feelings we experienced will remain in our child’s memory, not the money we spent on it.
– What are the main points that indicate that parents are not responsible?
– You can’t say that all fathers are irresponsible. Even after a divorce, there are responsible fathers. They have a planned approach, they don’t leave the child unattended. There are also very good examples, but this is a small part. Most fathers are worried about going to the park with their children. There are fathers who are worried about taking their child in a stroller. We conducted a survey among the audience. They say that we can make fun of such a man. There are some strange stereotypes that you will come up with and that you won’t.
– You stressed that there are many people who think that the father’s responsibility is to earn money, but the family also needs money. Will parents have a question that we should not work?
– Parents tell us that if we don’t earn money, how can we have fun with the child? During the program we show them that it is possible to make an interesting game with the child even out of plain paper. If you divide your day correctly, you can earn money and have time for the child. In one task, we tell the father to plan his day. Then we say, after dividing, how can this hour be changed for the benefit of the family? In the First Division, it is known that he spent one hour eating and three hours spending time with his friends. Then he realizes that he does not lose anything by cutting one hour out of three hours and dedicating it to the child. When the father realizes his obligation and responsibility to care for the child and devotes time to him, the mother’s burden is also reduced. The mother also has access to the labor market and has the opportunity to contribute to the family budget.
– It is not welcome for a man to get up an hour early for a gathering of friends. Do irresponsible parents hinder responsible parents?
– I recently read an article about how tea houses spoil society. It says that in Europe, after work on weekdays, everyone is at home with their families. They go to pubs on weekends and relax. The place where men go in our society is the tea house. Previously, old people went there, now young people go there too. People have to understand at some point that this has to stop. In the evenings, the father, who is in the tea house, entrusts the responsibility of the child to the woman.
– Are there more irresponsible or responsible parents among those participating in the project?
– Participation in our project is voluntary. Both come. But the main thing is that in the end there are those who admit their mistakes. More people realize their mistakes after the sessions on how irresponsible parents abuse their children. We say that you distinguish between a girl and a boy. When your son wants to go to karate, you allow him, but if your daughter wants to go to karate, you say “she’s a girl” and don’t allow her. This is psychological abuse. One father said after that session that his daughter wanted to go to music, but he didn’t let her. He said: “I realized how I psychologically abused my daughter for years.”
– You said there are many irresponsible parents. What is the reason?
– In our country, girls are brought up as mothers of the future from childhood. From an early age, boys are taught to make trouble with dolls. Over time, by teaching how to cook, make tea and other things, we leave household issues and childcare to women and seriously limit their opportunities for education and professional development. Boys are not told anything about fatherhood. They also see that they are someone’s husband and father. They live their life as a single woman and do not take responsibility for the child. I myself did not feel fatherhood in the first child. I felt it more in the second.
– Before getting married, children ask, “Can I be a responsible parent?” Should they ask themselves?
– People who ask themselves this question often get married late (laughs). They understand that they have responsibilities, when they feel ready they come to the conclusion that “it’s time to get married.” In general, you should know that family is a project. If you start a family, you have a responsibility, from utility costs to daily needs. What should a father do after having a child? Get ready because sleepless nights are not only for mothers. The excuse is that I came home tired from work and I need to sleep. This is not true. In world practice there is paid paternity leave. We have it too, it’s free. The father can take 14 days of unpaid leave. Dads don’t want it because it’s free. On the other hand, they don’t want to stay at home taking care of the child. The UN Population Fund has been promoting this for two or three years. We want paid paternity leave so that fathers don’t have to worry financially about staying at home and taking care of the child for two weeks after the child is born.
A study of families in Iceland showed that the introduction of parental leave had a direct effect on the divorce rate: it fell by 8.3% after five years and by 3.4% after 15 years. A study in Quebec, Canada, also confirmed a 6% reduction in separation among couples who shared parental leave.
– Does the father take care of the child at night so that the mother can rest?
– If we look at the rest of the mother, it includes the institution of grandparents. The mother of the child comes and takes care of the child. The father is left out of the process. Experts say that after birth, the father should hold the child for days and months. That there is a bond between the child and the father. The mother and the child have a biological bond because it comes from her womb. But she does not feel her father. The father’s time with the child is not just for the mother’s rest.
– Men can say “I’m tired” in these matters and do nothing. But women do it despite being very tired.
– According to the widespread stereotype, women are psychologically more patient in this regard. However, as I mentioned above, for centuries women believed that this responsibility fell primarily on them, and that was how it developed.
– Is it possible for our women to take full responsibility for the child and the man does not have to think about it?
– This is a question of character. It may be that the father is not of a responsible character and the child relies on the mother. The second case is that the traumas that the mother received in the environment in which she grew up distance the man she sees in her family from responsibility. For example, she never saw her father in the kitchen. Fathers want to be responsible, they want to do something in the kitchen with the child. Sometimes women say that a man’s place is not in the kitchen. The stereotype in their mind is that men do not belong in the kitchen.
– “The father was always at work, the mother worked with the children, they were all admitted to university with high grades.” Such examples are also given.
– Our measurement criteria here are wrong. We already measure good reading with 700 points, we consider admission to university a success. On the other hand, such a child is one-sided. Maybe his mother fell on him, he prepared himself, got good grades and was admitted to university, but if you look again, he has traumas related to his father. Sometimes they say that a child should be afraid of his father, avoid him, give his love to his mother, that’s enough. But in our session, a 45-year-old man said that my father never told me that he loved me. I really wanted to hear it. A spiritual bridge is very important for a child.
– How does the father’s irresponsibility affect the lives of children?
– Children’s views on fathers and masculinity are changing. Daughters develop a complex against starting a family. Because they think their spouses can be like their fathers. Children have bad role models. They think that if my father was like that, I can be like that too. We have this task, what do you see in your father, but what do you want to change? Some people react very harshly saying no, my father was like that and I don’t want to change. “My father hit me, he did it well, I will hit him too,” she says, justifying her father’s violence. Girls see strictness, rudeness and neglect from their father. When you meet someone who cares about you, you feel strange. There are families that divorce because of the excessive care of their spouses. Because he did not see affection in the family.
– What kind of future does a responsible parent create for a child?
– Children spend more time with their mothers. A mother’s care and love have a separate place, but if God had known, a single woman would have given birth to a child. If they are brought together, they should grow up together. The father’s attention to the child gives him self-confidence. It reveals the child’s potential. He trusts his father. He wants to talk to his father more.
– You mentioned that parents say they should work and earn money. Considering the current reality, is it really difficult to be a responsible parent?
– In general, being a parent is difficult. You need to understand how to be a parent. Look at families in restaurants. All the blessings are on the table, they eat and drink, but their faces don’t smile. Because the rest of the mind of the average Azerbaijani is focused on the family, on spending money. Take them for a walk somewhere, let them rest. It is more important to spend time with the parent than to put treats in front of the child.
The child does not suddenly reach 15-16 years old. He grows and changes day by day. You lose a few days and months in between and then you see that he is 16 years old and there is no longer proper communication between you. A problem arises, you say that children are spoiled and do not listen to our words.
– How much time a day should a responsible parent spend with a child?
– The baby should spend more time. They can be interested in their lessons and have fun during school hours. They should communicate and talk for at least an hour a day. In our country, the mother gives the child to the father to take him to the park. The father also accepts it, he himself plays with the phone, and the child plays there alone. Its name is that he spends time with the child. It is a passive pastime. Active spending time means that the father is also in the process together with the child.
– Single women may have a question: How to choose a responsible father?
– Girls should have opportunities to get to know their future spouses better. It would be naive to expect responsible parenting from someone who is irresponsible with his life, his parents, his job, everything.
