“Once upon a time there was an ogress who only ate obedient boys and girls.” […]. Terrified at the idea of losing them, the fathers and mothers of the town agreed to transform their children into a band of scoundrels. Now the ban would be outlawed. “The laws, the rules, the punishments would end.”
This is how the story begins The ogress who only ate obedient children (Danielle Chaperon, TakaTuka, 2024), a recently published children’s book that opens up a reflection on what it really means to behave well in childhood. Does it meet adult expectations of boys and girls? Obey the rules imposed on them? Or does he have behaviors that don’t bother adults?
Psychologist Fernanda Bocco is clear: “What we culturally mean by behaving well is staying still, not making noise, not getting dirty and not disturbing adults. » Bocco, who in addition to being a psychologist is co-founder of La Semilla Violeta, an educational project based on alternative methodologies, explains that it is an abstract idea, so it is very difficult for boys and the girls to understand what we are asking of them. them: “It is such a generic and imprecise expression that it serves as a catch-all to include everything that the adult in charge deems appropriate or inappropriate,” specifies the expert.
Going further, the psychologist considers that asking them to obey in general goes against their childish nature: “This expectation that we have as a society goes completely against what a child really is. and what he needs, which is to move. . a lot, exploring and touching everything, talking, and all this accompanied by an adult present and available. When we ask a child to ‘behave,’ we’re basically telling them to stop being who they are, because otherwise we’re not going to accept them,” he explains, adding: “we need to revisit the idea of blind obedience, because we almost always expect something so foreign to what childhood may assume that we end up being frustrated and angry all day long, which makes them feel bad for not doing what we expect.
Elltarys Larrad Ginard, occupational therapist for children, agrees with this criterion, which also emphasizes that “behaving well” is a relative notion: “Screaming and jumping at a birthday party can be accepted behaviors, while the same thing in full birthday party can be accepted. class or “A quiet conversation is not the most appropriate,” he begins. For her, the key is understanding the stages of child development: “In recent years, it has been discovered that children’s brains take years to develop self-control skills – sometimes we adults don’t have them. we have not fully developed either. How are we going to ask them to control their impulses and respect social norms, when they are not yet ready? », asks Larrad. And he suggests avoiding generic expressions like “behave well”, to be more explicit: “When you want to educate a child, you have to be very clear about what you expect of him. “We need to be explicit and much better: lead by example.”
Obedience, rules and limits
For Elltarys Larrad, we need to ask ourselves what we are looking for when we demand obedience from boys and girls: “Do we want our children to do everything others tell them? That when they grow up, they submit to a boss, to a partner, to their friends? If we want them to have judgment and to question things, we must educate them from childhood. Make them think, question them, take their opinion into account and involve them in decision-making when possible,” he explains.
Psychologist Fernanda Bocco makes a distinction here between fundamental norms and limits. “The basic limits concern safety: do not attack yourself or others, do not break or throw objects, do not put yourself in danger. The rules are a little more variable and change from house to house, but they must exist so that the whole family feels taken into account. If the rule, or what I ask, goes against the child, I hope he will disobey it and stay connected to himself – for example, continue to play, to laugh, to dance, to get dirty. If we are talking about a limit that aims to protect the child, then the adult must ensure that it is respected, such as not crossing a street alone or without looking or not letting people put on the seat belt,” he said.
In the history of The ogress who only ate obedient childrenfor a time, adults and children exchange their usual roles: it is the fathers and mothers who encourage the boys and girls to break the rules so that the ogress does not eat them. This leads to some confusion and a deep thought that overshadows the whole story and remains unanswered: what does it really mean to behave badly or well?
