Why she continued with him, why she didn’t say “no”, why she came back, why she continued to talk to him. These are some of the questions that hover over conversations these days following some testimonies that point to Íñigo Errejón and that tell of relationships mediated by sexist submission in which women saw themselves doing things that they did not didn’t want to do. , but they didn’t cut the link or they did so after a while. The widely held belief that immediate escape is the only possible and logical option when faced with a problematic signal is not exceptional, but this linear story ignores the complexity of a multi-layered phenomenon.
This does not mean that these cases constitute facts that fall within the Penal Code; they cannot be crimes of sexual assault – as could be, according to the police, what the actress Elisa Mouliaá reported in her complaint – but this is not the case. For this reason, “it is no longer a question of reprehensible sexist violence” which “generates enormous damage to the victims”, affirms the psychologist, expert in sexual violence, Alba Alfageme. For Sara, the testimonies collected by this media, the relationship of almost a year and a half that she had with Errejón left very profound consequences to the point that it was difficult for her to reestablish “non-toxic” relationships. .
However, identifying abuse is not that simple and in many cases it is not reported by victims until some time later. “It’s something very difficult and even more so when there is no clear or explicit violence, but rather it is a psychological framework of manipulation in which, if she does not do what he wants, how and when he wants, he will do things.” to make her feel bad. It seems annoying at first, but doesn’t feel like an attack because it’s subtle. These are much more evil processes and they penetrate little by little like underground water which eventually leads the victim to a total state of confusion and loss,” explains Alfageme.
Experts describe something that could resemble a trapping spider web and which above all does not present itself as such from the start. That’s one of the keys: no one stays in a place where everything is always negative. And this is something which contributes to the fact that victims of gender violence take on average eight years and eight months to report them, according to a study by the Ministry of Equality.
Lawyer Carla Vall, who has been supporting these women for years, knows this well. “In intimate relationships, the first reaction we usually have is to try to understand why the other person is doing this or if we are also confused. Furthermore, most of these behaviors are accompanied by positive reinforcement, they are contradictory.
To exert their power, abusers will display a pattern of abusive behavior that includes attacks, however subtle, but not only that: positive behaviors as well.
Olga Barroso
— Psychologist specializing in gender-based violence
Thus, the intermittency – the “now he responds to me then disappears”, the “now he gets angry and then he congratulates me” – and the reward-punishment dynamic end up hooking the victims. “The goal of abusers is to wield power, do what they want with it, and feel that their body, their sexuality, and their decisions belong to them. To do this, they will display a pattern of abusive behavior that includes attacks, however subtle, but not only that: positive behaviors as well. This is what leads the victim to trust him,” explains psychologist expert in gender-based violence Olga Barroso.
emotional manipulation
But, moreover, it is important to understand that this image will be built from the beginning: the experts allude to the fact that there is “always” an initial period “however short” during which there is no no negative behavior, no negative behavior. contempt or lack of care or recognition. “It’s something very relevant because the woman constructs a representation of this person and the way she is going to act. When the first aggression occurs, however slight it may be, for example a depreciation, it reaches a brain which presents this man as respectful. And even more so if it is a person of prestige and social projection, who has already done part of the work and who starts again a few boxes later,” believes Barroso.
No one expects someone they trust to attack them. And this stops and makes the process of identifying what is happening difficult, but even more so if there are enormous expectations, as is the case with figures of power, admired and idealized. Vall recognizes that “a common element is to be ideologically close”, at least on the character with the feminist discourse that Errejón represented in the public sphere. “It makes it seem like it’s a safer place. How could someone like that do this to you? Alfageme adds on this subject: “You do not identify the signs, you give more space to the desire to know him, so that he is well, you justify…”.
This is where a process of much confusion and perplexity usually begins. “They wonder: How will he mistreat me? No, something probably happened to them today, that they’re stressed, that it was a mistake… They don’t feel good, but the emotional manipulation leads them to start making them feel that way. maybe they did something wrong. , They didn’t measure up or didn’t understand something well. This seems credible to them because they believe that this person is not an abuser, that they are not doing this to spite them or rape them but rather “well, I like him, maybe this or that… ‘disturbed’ and they begin to doubt their own criteria,” explains Barroso.
You are uncomfortable but you hold on and something inside you breaks, which generates a lot of insecurity and makes you feel smaller and smaller because you are not recognized.
Alba Alfageme
— Psychologist expert in sexual violence
Sara, who spent time chatting on Telegram with Errejón before meeting in person, explained how the dynamic involved him: “We talked almost every day, he asked me for videos and photos from ten in the morning and by that time they must have already been in sexy clothes… One day he called me at midnight, he never did and I didn’t answer. He sent me a terse message: “When I call you, you will answer. I won’t call you again. And he never did it again. He stopped talking to me for a week. I felt like I let him down and sent him videos and photos to which he didn’t respond. The silent treatment served to punish me so that the next thing he asked of me, I would do it without hesitation.
Rotation of the control center
In this type of abusive relationship, the so-called “expectation of reward” plays a key role, which is why many victims believe that do better, they received something better. “The control center has already been filmed there. You are no longer you and emotionally you begin to depend on the other to tell you, to call you, to make decisions… You are uncomfortable but you stay and something in you breaks, which generates a lot of insecurity and makes you feel more and more and smaller because you are not recognized,” explains Alfageme, who alludes to the fact that over time, victims “try to understand what is happening » because “they are absolutely lost”.
All this increases if the victim is caught “at a low moment” for a professional, personal or any other problem, adds the psychologist. Sara, for example, admitted that she met Errejón after ending a relationship and that she had “low self-esteem”, so the connection with the former MP made her feel “desired”. It was only some time later that he realized that “it was not me he desired, but my submission.”
Eventually, we were taught about submission, that you have to work hard for the beast to treat you well and recognize you.
Carla Vall
— Lawyer
But, along the way, women themselves also wonder why they can’t get by. “I asked myself why am I doing this?” she asked during one of the meetings with Sumar’s former spokesperson. “I said to myself ‘this is bad, take power and leave’. But I wasn’t capable of it, I wasn’t capable of it,” he lamented. This is not an exceptional reaction, underlines Alfageme: “They feel guilty, there is shame and also fear of recognizing and telling themselves what they are experiencing or have experienced, it is very painful to bear it and even more today that women know the theory and have had the cycle of violence explained to them many times. However, the harshest pains of machismo invade us in many places and many ask themselves: “but what if. I knew it, how could I have fallen here?
Gender mandates
Added to all this, according to experts, is “the minimization of violence” with which women live to a greater or lesser degree. “There is a huge naturalization because it seems that it is a tribute to pay, that these are situations that happen, to which they are accustomed, that they share them with others and that this has also happened to them but this has not been the case socially recognized for a long time, on the contrary, they have been described as exaggerated,” explains the psychologist, who also adds gender mandates such as complacency or endurance at all costs. as elements that can hinder the ability to identify discomfort and set limits.
And what all experts agree on is that in the background, there is a “patriarchal society and culture” that places women in a certain place in relationships. “Well, in the end, we were educated in submission, that you have to work hard for the beast to treat you well and recognize you…”, illustrates Vall. For Barroso, there is one factor that is particularly influential: “We have been taught that our value depends on the appreciation of others, mainly from a man, and from there we build our expectations. It’s about being chosen to be recognized. And if it’s by a man considered valuable, the better.
